Suggestions for the Olympics

Good day, Citizens. Sorry its been awhile since I've posted something for you. I've been busy. Anyway, I've been very conflicted about what to post today. The current situation between Georgia and Russia is pretty disturbing and I wanted to write something on that situation, but its developing very quickly and it really isn't funny at all, so I'm going to hold off for right now. I'll post that article a little later today or tomorrow morning. Now, for something completely different. . .

I've been watching the Olympics and I think that, while these games have been excellent, there's a lot of room for improvement to make the games more fair for a lot of the countries that don't win a bunch of medals. There's already some pretty obscure sports that seem to be stacked toward one particular country or other. I'm thinking here of table tennis. If you aren't Forrest Gump, you probably aren't taking home a medal unless you're Chinese.

In this article, I'd like to begin a discussion about what sports we could add to the Olympics to make it more even in the medal count for all countries. I'll start out with some examples. There is a new thread on the message board where you can leave your suggestions and together we can make it a better Olympic experience for everyone next time around.

1. Ireland.
Today, Ireland competed in the kayaking event and did not take a medal, at least in the race that I saw. In fact, Ireland to this point has won no medals at all. I propose that the IOC add an Irish Triathlon in order to give the Irish a crack at the gold. The triathlon starts in an Olympic Pub venue where the contestants each start by drinking a bottle of whiskey. While drinking, contestants have the opportunity to compose an original limerick for bonus points. Example as follows:

There once was a man named Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
She was minus a tit,
and she smelled like shit,
but think of the money he saved!

After the whiskey is finished, the athlete fills the empty bottle with gasoline and stuffs a rag into the top. An Olympic official will light the rag with the Olympic flame as the athlete exits the pub where they must run to a police barrier at the end of the road and hurl the flaming bottle as far as possible. Points awarded for distance and any subsequent destruction of English property.

From here the athlete must proceed to a Catholic church where he or she must complete a full confession of their sins and say the rosary. Bonus points awarded for any truly egregious and/or gnarly sins that the athlete confesses during the sacrament.

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2. Puerto Rico.
Puerto Rico is technically part of the USA. They don't have representatives in the federal government, but they also don't pay federal taxes. Nonetheless, I think it would be nice for them to have a sport, and it wouldn't even involve adding a whole new sport, just a new division to an existing sport.

I propose that a Olympic fencing should add a switchblade event. This event could even take place late at night, behind the Olympic pub where the Irish Triathlon would be held. The participants might not even want it recorded on video or to be awarded medals in public. It wouldn't be too much of a hassle to add this event at all. For all we know, it might be taking place already. . .


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3. Australia.
Australia has won a few medals this Olympics, but I think Aussie will agree that they should have won more. I mean, the US and the French beat them at the men's 4x100 freestyle relay, and Phelps didn't even do as well as he should have. I thought the Aussies were supposed to be the best swimmers ever. Whah happen?

Anyway, there is a sport that is not yet part of the Olympics where the Aussies will always take home the gold. I suggest that we add it immediately:

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Now I've gotten you started. I'm sure we'll get complaints from the PETA people for the last one. Let us know what sports you think should be added to the Olympics to make them better for everyone. There's a thread on the message board, or just post them as comments. The winner will be announced following the closing ceremonies right here on the Long Crawl. I love you.

As you were,
Yankee