First Web Launch, etc.

Good evening, Citizens. Yankee here again. Tonight, Aussie and I will be sending out some invitations to our friends to come and view our project here at the Long Crawl. We figure we've got enough content up now to give people something to read for more than one visit and the itinerary is more or less solid, so it's time to go public.

If you are one of those people whom we've directed here via the Facebook page, welcome! On the right hand side of the page, you'll find links to the itinerary and the rules and commandments and whatnot which should give you a good background as to what we're trying to accomplish with this project. The goal here is to have it be fun and funny while at the same time being informative. Please feel free to leave comments about the various articles. It makes the three of us feel like we aren't wasting our time.

Also, on the right hand side, you'll find a link to our message board. There, you'll find threads for all of the 21 stops with sections for background, ideas, and meetups. It's pretty self explanatory. Anyway, if you have traveled to one of our planned destinations, please leave some advice on the message boards. In many parts of the middle east, if you show someone the bottom of your foot, it's comparable to giving them the finger over here in the US. Knowing things like this would be very helpful prior to us leaving on this adventure. It would be a shame if I had to use the Idealist as a bullet shield half way through the trip over an avoidable misunderstanding. Help us out, write down what you know. This trip is largely meant to be interactive, and the more that it is, the more fun for everyone.

Speaking of interactive, there is a space for meetups on the message board. If you want to meet us on a specific stop, let us know. We'll take pictures of you making an ass of yourself and put them on the internet. It'll be a blast. Also, if we know you'll be available in a certain city, we'll know who to call to help us bail Aussie out of jail after he shoots his mouth off. Good times had by all. Similarly, if you have suggestions for places to go in these cities, let us know. If your suggestion doesn't suck, we just might take advantage of it, and credit will be given. We've submitted to a couple of publishing companies to try and get this off the ground and we're shooting for a March 2009 departure. We'll be posting updates daily (or every other day) relating to the various stops and how the project is going until then. The more input we get from you, the reader, the better this trip will come off. Hook us up. Thanks.

Now, the normal updates. Aussie and I just got back from the last rugby games in New Jersey. Aussie played valiantly and led the team to a tremendous, come-from-behind victory over Philadelphia. I missed tackles and generally looked out of shape. At least I'm honest. Due to the odd shape of rugby uniforms (full shirts, tiny shorts), I have a very strange tan going on. I'm not sure you can call it a farmer tan, it's too odd. Considering the wifebeater tan tragically incurred a few weeks ago, and the fact that I taped one of my wrists, which is the one part of my arm not burned, I could possible qualify for the weirdest tan ever. If jacked up tan lines are cool, consider me Miles Davis.

As I write this, the mighty Yankees are blowing it to the Red Sox. We've embarrassed them the last two games, now we choke on it in the final game of the series. Being a true fan sucks sometimes. We could have tied them for the AL wild card tonight, but no, that would make too much sense. Sox fans out there, enjoy it. You'll go down at the end, like you always do.

Not to close out the post on a somber note, but there was a terrorist attack in Turkey today, which is one of our stops. Noone's taken credit yet, but it was probably Kurdish separatists. So far, 16 people have died in Istanbul in a double bombing. They set off one bomb in a pedestrian area, waited ten minutes for a crowd to form, then set off a second bomb which claimed most of the casualties. While we bitch about politics on this blog from time to time, the purpose of this trip is to attempt to bridge some of the ideological divides that lead to behavior like this. We think people the world over are pretty similar on the most basic levels and we'd like to illustrate that. If we can grab a few beers and your attention during the whole thing, that would be super. The world goes on much further than your front porch. We hope you'll laugh at what you read here at the Long Crawl, but more importantly, that you'll feel a little closer to your fellow people out there, thousands of miles away, going through the same things you are, from a different point of view.

That is all,
Yankee

All-Stars and My Favorite Stops

Good afternoon, Citizens. The Yank again. After reading Aussie's Stereotype Menu, I think this trip could be fun after all. Noticed that he hit the Kiwi's harder than the the others? Coincidence? I think not. . . We might have uncovered some really stinky actual cultural bias.

Today, I'm celebrating yet another American League victory in the All-Star Game. This time it only took 15 innings and more pitchers than I can remember. At least the Sandman held it down, unlike one Mr. Papelbon. . . Anyway, as Aussie can confirm from living with me and watching me watch baseball as he tries to understand what's going on, I'm not a big fan of J.D "Nancy" Drew. The guy just annoys me on a very basic level. Something about the hero complex that most of the Red Sox walk around with makes me want cram my head in the oven. Other than Youkilis, he's the worst. At least Manny and Ortiz have a little bit of style. With that being said, I would like to congratulate him on his performance and especially his clutch hitting last night. He gets a one week pass on derision from me. After that, he's back in the chair.

If you've read the itinerary for the Crawl yet, there are probably two stops that stick out as not really major cities like the others. They are also extra-day stops. I'm talking about Antalya, Turkey and Cartagena, Colombia. These two were my choice. I've done some business in Turkey over the years and its one of my favorite places to visit. Antalya got picked as the destination because it's a relatively large city in between three Turkish destinations that I want to visit.

We'll set out from Antalya by bus and head to Kas (pronounced kahsh), on the tip of the Lycian peninsula. Kas is a tiny little seaside town, built against the cliffs and has a few good bars in the town center. Its relatively quiet, but you have a few good bars in the main town square, overlooking the Mediterranean. I figure that we might need a day of relative quiet on the beach after coming in from our first African destination. There's also good diving there if we're so inclined, and not obscenely hungover.

From Kas, we'll travel back towards Antalya, stopping at Olimpos. There is no town here, only a ruined ancient city. There are little camps built on the road down to the harbor, and you stay there in a treehouse. You read that right- they rent out treehouses that you get to stay in. Meals are included in the prices- which was a whopping $7 a night last time I was there. The most famous of these camps, called Kadir's, has an outdoor bar called the Bull Bar which is very highly rated internationally. There's a huge fire pit with a giant statue of a bull at the center and a bunch of Turkish style lounges set around the dance floor. Every time I've been there, the bar has been packed and always a good party.

What makes Olimpos popular as a destination, other than the treehouses, is that its set at the base of Olimpos Mtn. I'm a bit of a history buff (a bit being an egregious understatement), and this mountain is the birthplace of a good part of ancient mythology. There is a trail there that you can hike up for about two or three miles and you come to cracks in the ground that spew fire. Supposedly, the scientific explanation is that there is methane, or a derivative gas that rises from inside the earth and ignites on contact with the air, but apparently there has never been really complete scientific study of the area. They say that in ancient times, the flames rose a lot higher than they do now (about up to knee level, currently), and to the ancient Greeks, it would have looked like the mountain was spontaneously bursting into flames from from the ground below. Hence, lots of myths were born to explain these frightening flames. The most famous is Bellerophon and the Pegasus.

After Olimpos, we'll go back to Antalya and head further west to a little place called Side. It is pronounced SEE-deh. It's a little peninsula, maybe 25 acres, that juts into the Mediterranean. It was an ancient Roman provincial capital and there are a lot of ruins throughout the city. There is actually a bar build in the ruins of a basilica called Temple Bar. At the top of the city, just inside the wall there is an ancient theater that they've been trying to restore. I actually did some work on it years ago and I want to check the progress. Its a cool resort town with a lot of good bars. The guesthouse that I normally stay in is also owned by Australians, so Aussie can get a taste of home and not sink too deeply into foreigner-shock.

That's it for the Antalya stop. Not much in Antalya at all. . . Actually we'll probably drink one night in the old city by the harbor. Its a pretty cool experience tying one on at the base of the huge crusader walls built around the harbor.

Cartagena is the other stop. As I said, I like history and, other than the ancient stuff, I'm into pirates as well. Really, who isn't? They sail around, take stuff, and drink rum. The Ciudad Cartagena was one of the main Spanish port cities of the 16th and 17th centuries, when pirates were everywhere, and the world was a much cooler place. One of the most awesome pirates was obviously Sir Francis Drake. Drake rolled up to Cartagena, knocked on the door, then took the place over and demanded the modern equivalent of $200 million dollars as ransom. What's more amazing is that they actually paid every penny of the ransom quickly and then he burned a chunk of the city down anyway, including the governor's palace and a brand new cathedral and went on his merry way. The Spanish spent literally 200 years after that building walls in Cartagena to prevent the same shenanigans from recurring. I would like to see those walls. Sue me.

So that's my little chunk for the day. The idealist is a douche.

Proceed,
Yankee

The Ideal Background - A Rose Colored View

Good day, everyone! The Idealist is making his board debut today! Yay! I would like to thank Yankee and Aussie for having me along and I promise to behave myself and not become too polarizing. My fingers were crossed behind my back when I said that. I see that the other two have sounded off on our founding moments. I don’t come off like a jackass at all. Score one for me.

A quick note on these rugby guys that I'm on the journey with- Aussie and Yankee go to pratice, they go "shower", and then they come to the bar. I don’t know what goes on at these practices, but maybe they should wait awhile to shower afterwards because the effect is generally that they wash off the sweat from practice, then continue sweating after the shower, so they're just putting off the inevitable sweat stained shirt and vague stinkiness for an extra hour or so before it comes back right while we're at the bar. Its mildly offensive. This is particularly true of Uncle Yankee who tends to sweat when he thinks about heat. Of course you will never drag Aussie anywhere without him having to groom himself in front of a mirror for the better part of an hour – hence the Fabio fine in the Code of Conduct.

At least they tend to pile on the deodorant and more perfume than a drag queen on bingo night. Whatever. I don't understand the need for people to go out and beat on each other then go and laugh about it. It all sounds a little homo-erotic. Kind of like that male porno Top Gun. My athletic pursuits generally consist of marathons at the chinese buffet to make sure I dont get ripped off on the All-you-can eat price. On two occasions, I've also run from the police. That ought to count.

On the subject of athleticism, let me just go ahead and throw this out there- Yankee is a shitty athlete. He smokes and drinks. Aussie dragged him into this rugby thing because they're roommates. Aussie has apparently been playing this game for awhile and is in shape, you can tell that by the fact he generally refuses to wear sleeves anywhere he goes. Yankee is drawn to violence. Typical republican. Never saw a conflict he didn't like. Doesn't get more violent than rugby league apparently. Come to think of it, Yankee has been a tad less aggressive of late. Maybe its not such a bad thing, but you understand that it gets to be a worn situation when you get to listen to the full recounting of all the "sick hits" and a complete account of team injuries every time you show up for a quick beer and a shot. If you go out with them more than once in a week, you'll get to hear it, in its entirety, twice. Yay!

Alright, we were having the old "if we didn't screw with the rest of the world, they wouldn't screw with us" argument that we've had a million times. It’s become a well trod path. Seriously, the US was mistrusted before and now those feelings are a little stronger, considering our little stunt in Iraq and the excellent communication skills of our Cowboy-in-Chief. Yankee and I have a side bet on this next election. You know who I'm for- the one that'll clean some of this up rather than keep it rolling. I'm really looking forward to a big steak and two martinis on Yankee's tab come November. Given the success of Obama Girl…I just can’t see how Barack can lose. That chick could convince me to insert needles into my own penis. I might even be willing to bet another couple of drinks that his ‘mature’ candidate doesn't make it to election at all. See, Yankee is catholic. The pope is about the same age as god anyway, so Yankee doesn't see any problem with putting a retiree at the helm. The difference here is that the pope doesn’t have an army or his finger on the trigger to the world's largest nuclear arsenal with a fast growing list of enemies.

Yankee also thinks it’s terribly selfish for me to want free education and health for everyone. How dare I propose something so inherently evil? I love the fact that the currently unemployed writer Yankee bitches about his non-existent tax contributions being squandered by the inefficient government. I’m the one with the job buddy! I’ll decide!

During this particular instance of the same argument we've been having at work for years, Yankee hit a breaking point and decided that we needed to end the argument. He draws a map on a napkin and proceeds to explain that he's been more places than me, so he knows better (always throwing a trump card, right Yankee?), and we ought to go find out.

I've read the other two accounts of this conversation and the incident that followed, which are more or less close to accurate. Aussie did leave out a few key remarks – he was hammered, midweek no less, which is very unusual for a man that is usually a weekend binger but is borderline Mormon during the week.. . . Let me clarify a few things. Yankee originally wanted to go to the most dangerous places on the whole earth and drink. I don’t like rough living and I'd rather not end up losing my head on the internet for everyone to see. I can't see taking a long trip to drink shitty liquor in all the shitholes of the world. I'm not interested in Bratislava, or Tripoli, and certainly not Nigeria. I prevailed on him to turn down the roughness factor on this one and make it fun. Aussie needs showers and mirrors, so he was in. Luckily he complied without a lot of bullshit.

Aussie was a cursory participant in the conversation, checking out this mean looking chick sending text messages. Yankee prevailed on us to keep the stops in Colombia, Kenya, and Nepal. I got the couple of extra days in Thailand (there's a few places I've heard of that I might not mind visiting), and Aussie got to be the token non-American. I bought Jager shot for us as a little kickoff celebration. This could actually be fun. Yankee puked his up. Very gracious of him. While he was wandering down to unload the shot that I paid for, Aussie wandered over to that girl and began chatting. I started listing the financial considerations of a trip of this magnitude on another napkin. We're going to need some serious loot to pull this one off. Yankee came back looking like he'd just gotten maced. I offered to get him another Jager. He declined. Pussy. We worked on the budget without Aussie, and then, all of a sudden, it happened. The meltdown had just kicked off when I noticed and put Yankee on to the scene that was rapidly unfolding at the cocktail table.

Apparently, Aussie was getting shot down somehow. He doesn't take that very well. Having said that she was a bit of a fox and no-one else had the balls to approach her, so all power to him. The whole scene didn’t take very long, but Yankee hit the nail on the head with the Disaster. You can’t take your eyes off of a train wreck. Yankee was starting to laugh. I was speechless. The girl was still sitting on one of those tall barstools. Aussie was standing up, pointing his finger at her. Apparently, she said something he didn't like. That’s when he laid into her. I remember a few key phrases.

He said to her that going to Law School was shit and ultimately a pretty big waste of time given that in the end her life would end up pretty unfulfilling. The girl didn’t like it, at all. Having said that I think she misunderstood what he was trying to say exactly – Aussie has been to law school himself, worked as a lawyer and didn’t really like it. He has often made references to not wanting to end up like Michael Clayton – George Clooney’s silver haired sexiness aside. At least he can give some sort of objective analysis of the situation and what her/their lives might end up like. At least she has a job though Aussie and isn’t gallivanting around the world pissing money up against the wall.

While the two of them were going at it the girl's friend actually got up and left in the middle of the situation. More babbling, and then the shotgun blast. She said something which Aussie later explained was her saying that at least her boyfriend wasn't a complete asshole, or something like that. Aussie turned around, shaking his head, and then turned back to her and laid a line on her that ended in the word cunt. In all fairness to the guy she did seem like a bitch and laid out quite a few insults to him before he responded with the nuclear strike.

While common in Australia, I'm sure, that particular phrase is clearly not on the approved list over here in the states. I couldn't believe it. Yankee was chuckling. Aussie had gotten two steps away when she decided he needed a beer bath. It was awesome. What made it more than awesome was when I found out later from Yankee than Aussie had actually bought her the beer he ended up wearing! Getting Aussie to buy any girl a drink is a huge feat. It’s deliciously ironic that he ended up soaked in one that he did buy. Excellent. Anyway, needless to say, he didn't get her number and the Long Crawl is rolling ahead. Check back soon for more! -The Idealist.

The Background. Yankee tells his side.

Good evening, citizens. Its the Yank again. It's come to my attention that Aussie is writing a narrative regarding the birth of the Long Crawl. It was an interesting evening, to be sure. I'm certain the Man from Oz will put his own unique spin (with copious use of the F-Bomb) on events, so I'll put you on to the truth.

The events of this particular evening at a local Northern Virginia bar led to not only the genesis of the Long Crawl, but also much of its structure as well- like the Code of Justice and the fact that we'll be keeping individual secret journals during the Crawl that will ensure that there is more than one point of view of the crazy events that are sure to take place. I can only hope that I can get this down in time to post it before people are corrupted by his recollection of events.

We went up to the bar that night after rugby practice and the necessary post-practice shower. The Idealist had just gotten off of work and met us there along with a few sundry friends. The point was to have a few drinks and head home. Sitting at the bar, we got into one of our typical political arguments. I know its considered a taboo subject, up there with religion and whatnot, be we've never been able to help ourselves. Now, I tend to land just right of center in my political views. Without going into too much unnecessary depth, I don't really like shelling out taxes and I think that the government can be counted on to make a total CF out of anything we're dumb enough to let them get their claws into. This includes health care. Anyway, in the eyes of Aussie and the Idealist, this makes me some sort of supermutant hybrid of Lee Greenwood, Toby Keith, and Bill O'Reilly. Seriously, I don't own a gun, but I support our rights to own one, and Aussie pretty much thinks I'm packing a Matrix style arsenal under my tshirt at all times. With the Idealist and his bleeding heart to back him up, the Aussie usually succeeds in backing me into a family photo with Richard Nixon and 'ole George W.

Anyway, the Idealist is giving me the lecture about how if we didn't get into other people's business, they might not be so salty with us all of the time. This might translate, on a foreign policy front, as less plane/building situations in the long run. Also, he makes the point that if someone is going to strap bombs to themselves and blow themselves up in proximity to you or your allies, they must really be holding onto some sort of grudge. I'll give him that one. . . The problem here is that I've been to a fair amount of other countries, the middle east included, and other than one short incident in Europe where I had to adopt a Canadian affectation in my speech, ehh, I haven't had any problem anywhere. That being said (and notice that Poland is NOT on the itinerary), I think that Americans in general have a poor concept of life outside of the US and I think that the new organizations and political people tend to feed off of our lack of international experience to sway us one way or another according the agenda of the particular organization. I've never been called "obnoxious", and a few times the locals have taken better care of me than my European counterparts- who really come off as rude.

The Idealist isn't convinced and Aussie's eye has begun to wander over this girl sitting at one of the outlying cocktail tables. She's sending a text message on her phone while her friend is going off on some tangent. It looks like a good opportunity for someone as she's clearly bored by whatever her friend is railing on about and might appreciate a rescue. I figured the Aussie might spring from his perch in his shining armor and run to her rescue, complete with a boomerang and a string of Koala pelts to offer her. Aussie's been in a more foul mood than normal. The problem with America for him is the drinking age. His cuttoff is about 19 and a half years. They cant drink here. Problematic to be sure. This girl is at least 25, so she might as well be 70. Used goods. I would say that there is something to be said for experience, but the Aussie would most likely interject that he's not really after a good conversation, whatever that means.

I grab a cocktail napkin and borrow a pen from the bartender. At some point, I knocked over Aussie's beer. I bought him another one. I drew a rudimentary map of the world on the napkin. The only way to solve this problem definitively is to take it to the people- the people that supposedly actively hate us. I'm working on the assumption that they dont actually hate us individually as Americans, but if I'm wrong (I'm not) then this is going to be a real short trip. The Idealist wandered to the bathroom and Aussie interjected some absurd comment about this turning into a "scouting mission" for the rest of George W.'s war path. We sketched out a rough itinerary with something like 30 stops. I was trying to avoid the cold, but Aussie insisted on Scandanavia based on the preponderance of blondes and an apparently shockingly low "age of consent". He's some sort of bullshit Australian lawyer and he's apparently studied these things, so I let it go. Either way, he was in for a worldwide binge. After a shot of Jager, I finished drawing a great east to west zigzag across my little cocktail map. The Idealist returned from the little boys room (he's a big boy, but his last girlfriend confirmed that he still qualifies for the "little" boy's room) in time to make some snide comment about going west to east being some sort of political thing. Why does everything have to be political? I throw the pen in frustration. Aussie calls us "partisan fucktards" or something and points out that this is exactly the attitude that the rest of the world sees (Aussie being the representative of the "rest of the world"), and the main reason Aussie will be the only one to actually complete the Crawl alive.

At this point, something unfortunate happens to your friend Yankee. I would prefer to leave this small episode out, but I'm sure it'll get covered by one of the other travelers, so I'll go ahead and get it out of the way. Have you ever taken a shot and had part of it go down the wrong side? Its not a good thing. This happened with the second Jager shot while writing down the first itinerary. My brain told me that I had about 45 seconds until a forced evacuation. I wasn't near drunk enough to be puking at this stage, but who can argue with the involuntary reflex that was well on its way. I began to salivate fiercely. Idealist noticed that I was struggling just as I took my best shot at excusing myself politely and made my way to the restroom. I arrived to a thankfully empty men's room and made my sacrifices on the porcelain altar for a minute or so. Having taken care of the symptomatic runny nose before leaving, I had to walk out to our seats still displaying the red, watery eyes that always indicate a good, solid chundering.

I returned to our seats just before the Disaster. Aussie had wandered over to the girl he was eyeing earlier. He had made comments to the effect of "that chick wants me", or "that girl's been eye-raping me for 10 minutes". Now he was there and trying to engage- no wingman to handle the Text-Messager- buzzing the tower solo. The Idealist laughed at the state of my watery eyes after my trip to the can. Apparently, my green eyes against a backdrop of shocking redness looked like a weird Christmas display, or a public service announcement about the effects of a huge reefer habit on your appearance. I would have borrowed the Idealist's Visine, but I didn't want to send the signal that I was also a hopeless pot monster to everyone else who might have been watching.

At this point, the Disaster began to unfold. The Idealist tapped my shoulder and directed my attention to Aussie and his conquest. An argument was brewing and was heating up fast. I heard "Yeah, well what law school did you go to?". The reply came. University of Cincinnati, offered with extreme indignation. "Yeah, well that's clearly a Shitty Law School". This was a bold statement that certainly our American "piss" beer must surely have influenced. The Idealist covered his face with his hands. Aussie continued the assault:

"You're a lawyer, darling. It doesn't matter if you're a prosecutor or a pro-bono fuckup or the Chief Justice of the goddamn Supreme Court. You'll never be happy. Your life is fucked."

He called her darling. Facetiously. That's a blow below the belt. I forgot about the Idealist sitting next to me, enraptured but the Disaster. She made some sort of ineffective rebuttal. Clearly she was trying to blow him off while retaining some sort of dignity in the whole grand scheme of things. Way too late. . .

I found out later that she'd talked him into buying her a drink while I was visiting the puke house. This is not an easy feat. If you can get the Aussie to buy you a drink during the Crawl, I'll buy you dinner. There was some more bad noise from their corner. The word "boyfriend" came up in some context before she dropped her phone back into her purse and shouldered it. Then came the nuclear bomb. I dont remember the whole sentence, only the key word. God bless him, Aussie was hammered and she probably couldn't have been much of a peach considering the look of her. It was like the music stopped in the bar when he looked her directly in the eye and told her that if she was going to whip out the boyfriend at this point, or something like that, he would talk to her later,. . . and then. . .wait for it. . .wait for it. . .CUNT. Holy shit. The sound of the word pulled the air out my lungs. The Idealist felt the same- all the blood wandered its way out of his face very quickly. . . The remnants of her beer glass, about half, cascaded over Aussies head in glorious, well deserved waves and she bolted for the door. As she got up, I noticed that she was much taller than him. Ironic, considering that if she had merely stood up during the argument, she might have dominated him physically and might have avoided the blast of the C-word.

We paid our tabs and proceeded home, obeying the speed limit when possible. The Long Crawl was born in that first test case. We can do this. Idealist is mortified by the scene, Yankee thinks its hilarious, Aussie's covered in beer. Surely, the roles will reverse many times, but if we can make it through this experiment, and not pull a Magellan, we just might just find something valuable. . .

Carry on,
Yankee

Itinerary 2.0

Alrighty, Brazil didn't work out, and we're bummed, but we have to move on. After Aussie did a quick Google search for "Top 10 Drinking Cities", we realized that the Long Crawl was missing one crucial destination and we're making the best of the situation by using the demise of the Rio stop to correct our error. This city placed #1 in the first three polls that we looked at, and that was good enough for us. Our new stop will take place after Rome and before Stockholm. The Long Crawl is pleased to add Munich, Germany as our new destination. Look out, frauleins, here we come.
As reported in the earlier, we will try our best not to meddle with the itinerary from this point forward. Major world events nonwithstanding, this is the Long Crawl. Also, as stated before, stops are generally considered to be two nights on the town followed by a full day of travel. Stops marked with one star warrant an extra night on the town. Stops with two stars warrant an extra two or more nights:

The Crawl departs from Washington, DC:

1. Dublin, Ireland
2. London, UK
3. Marseilles, France (*)
4. Rome, Italy
5. Munich, Germany
6. Stockholm, Sweden
7. Cape Town, South Africa
8. Antalya, Turkey (**)
9. Nairobi, Kenya
10. Dubai, UAE (*)
11. Kathmandu, Nepal
12. Bangkok, Thailand (**)
13. Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
14. Hong Kong
15. Manila, Phillipines
16. Sydney, Australia (*)
17. Auckland, New Zealand
18. Vancouver, Canada
19. Cartagena, Colombia
20. Santiago, Chile
21. Buenos Aires, Argentina (**)

There you go. The Long Crawl.
Carry on,
Yankee

A Snag. . .

Hey there, good citizens. Yankee here. We've had our first of what will most likely be many setbacks. I spent a couple of hours this morning going through the immigration rules for the various countries that are on the list. I learned some interesting things like the fact that in Nepal, you can go through customs, but if you want to leave the airport, you have to pay a $27 "airport exit tax". Excellent. Next, they'll allow you to go to sleep, but will charge you a "wakeup tax". This will be followed immediately by the levying of an "exhalation tax", whereby you can breathe in for free, but you'll have to pay the other half of the operation. Bill Clinton will not be affected.
Every other country was working out fine as far as entry and exit were concerned and I was just starting to get that feeling of relief when I got to Brazil- the last stop. Apparently, you have to get a visa from the embassy or consulate closest to your home prior to traveling there. You can't go to a different one in another city or country- it has to be the one closest to your residence. That was catch one. Catch two is that once the visa is issued, you have to physically enter Brazil within 90 days of the issue date, regardless of the length of the visa. Considering we wouldn't make it to Brazil within 90 days of departing the US and we can't pick up a visa in one of the prior stops, it looks like Rio is out. The team has picked a replacement stop and I'll be putting the new itinerary up right after this.
We were really looking forward to kicking back on the beach in Rio, but it doesn't appear that we really have any choice in the matter considering the Rules. Oh well. We'll make it up somewhere else.
Keep on keeping on -- The Yank

Alrighty, then.

This is starting to take off now. Now all we need is funds. Thats the easy part. We could sell one or both of Hippie's kidneys. That might work. Aussie?

Uniform Code of Long Crawl Justice

The Uniform Code of Long Crawl Justice

Explanatory Memorandum

The Long Crawl is a diplomatic mission. All members will be expected to conduct themselves in a manner that is respectful and complimentary of their host cultures whilst being upstanding representatives of their respective home countries and societies.

This document exists as an official guideline to acceptable standards of behavior for Long Crawl Diplomats (LCD). Should any LCD fail to uphold his duty he may be charged with any of the crimes listed hereforth and will be punished subject to the standards of punishment set down in this document.


Section 1: List of Crimes

An individual LCD may be charged with the following crimes by another LCD.

All crimes alleged must be witnessed and have sufficient probative evidence in order to establish a charge.

The Politician:

(i) An individual making a unilateral statement based on their opinion, stance or potential course of action during the course of The Long Crawl that is subsequently contradicted through their own actions.

(ii) Lying to the public: A baseless statement that subsequently is found to be completely false or was apparent to others as false from the outset.

(iii) Instigating a heated political debate with local members of the public.


Beer Atrocities:
(iv) Spillage
(v) Failure to consume entire beverage
(vi) Tipping out drink

The Hugh Grant: Engaging in any public affection with a woman that is simply annoying/offensive to those around you.

The Bill Clinton: Unwelcome attention on one or more females and smoking cigars. Remember to always dry clean your dresses

The Fabio: Taking excessively long to get ready and/or holding up team plans

The Arlington Special: Urinating in Public

The Lindsay Lohan: Impacting adversely on the trip scheduling

Russell Crowe-ing: Randomly starting an unprovoked fight

David Copperfield: Disappearing ‘magically’ during the course of the night.

The Kid Rock: Being evicted from a premises; bar, hotel, restaurant, etc.

The Karl Rove: An LCD continually attempting to manipulate the course of events to suit their underlying motives.

The 12 Stepper: Anyone attempting to be a teetotaler. Drinking is mandatory.

The Cinderella: Being in bed before midnight.

The Linda Blair: Throwing up in a public place

The Tom Cruise: General offensive couch jumping behavior


Section 2: Degrees of Seriousness

1. After the leveling of the charge of a crime the degree of seriousness must be established.

2. An early guilty plea is subject to a downgrading of seriousness

3. Categories are defined in the following ways :

Category 1 – Britney Spears

Defined as: A basic stupid indiscretion and/or momentary lapse of judgment. An embarrassing incident like forgetting to put on your drawers before leaving for the bar.
Penalty: Subject to local conditions. A shot or two of the local swill.

Category 2 – Mel Gibson

Defined as: Indiscretions reaching the level of character flaw. Who caused all of the world's problems, officer? Let me explain. . .
Penalty: Round of shots.

Category 3 – Bill Buckner

Defined as: An offense of an egregious nature that impacts on other LCDs. Otherwise defined as an epic failure that screws over the rest of the team.
Penalty: One day servitude, within reason, to the other LCDs

Category 4- OJ Simpson

Defined as: Capital Offenses. Only this time, we'll find you guilty.
Penalty: One day servitude and one instance of buying the bar.

Category 5 – The Hiroshima

Defined as: Cataclysmic, disastrous damage to the trip or at least the complete ruination of a whole stop done through the voluntary actions of one individual. Landing in the Clink through your dumbass fault and making us wait a week to bail you out, or similar.
Penalty: Shall be determined on a case by case basis.


Section 3: Judgment

1. Court will take place at the airport on the last day of a stop prior to departure

2. Each LCD shall sit in the Hot Seat and be subject to the leveling on of charges. The remaining LCDs shall sit in judgment of the accused.

3. An LCD, upon hearing the evidence, may submit a plea of guilty or not guilty.

4. Upon a plea of guilt a punishment shall be levied at the appropriate Seriousness level taking into an account the relevant plea bargain discount negotiated.

5. Upon a plea of not guilty, the accused shall be permitted a concise defense based on the facts at hand or other mitigating factors.
(i) Upon the hearing of submissions, the remaining LCDs will vote as judges in the matter
(ii) Upon a unanimous vote of guilt an LCD is found guilty with the punishment set at the appropriate Seriousness level
(ii) Should there be a split between the judges the outcome shall be decided by coin flip of the Ceremonial Coin.
(iv) It is the right of the defendant to call the coin toss in the air.

6. Penalties shall be carried out at the next stop unless otherwise agreed upon by both Judges.

7. Once an LCD has been removed from the Hot Seat no further charges may be leveled.

8. No one charge may be leveled more than once for a particular crime.

9. Charges may only related to activities/crimes committed on that particular stop.

10. Appeals: It is the right of the accused to appeal a decision.

(i) Appeals shall take place in the form of a best of three ‘Rock Off’ between the accused and the person that leveled the charge.
(ii) Rock Off shall follow the internationally accepted standards (Rock beats Scissors, Paper Beats Rock, Scissors beats Paper.)
(iii) Appeals are limited to two unsuccessful challenges per court session to a ruling after which the accused no longer has the rights to appeal.

Section 4: Amendments

1. UCLCJ Amendments may be brought forth at the conclusion of a court proceeding at any One Star Stop.

2. Amendments may be proposed by any LCD and will be ratified by a two thirds majority vote

3. Constitutional Amendments will only take affect at the next stop.

Section 5: Side Bets

Prior to the interrogation of witness and leveling of charges, the settling of sides bets between any two LCDs must be performed.

If any adjudication is required the deciding vote shall fall to the unaffiliated LCD. Any such decision shall be final.

Ten Crawlmandments

The Ten Crawlmandments

1. Respect the host nation’s laws and culture

All travelers should endeavor to not offend their hosts and most importantly honor and obey their legal codes as well as social norms and etiquette. Plus bail money is a drain on our budget.

2. Do not reinforce negative stereotypes about your own culture

The purpose of the Long Crawl is to break down cultural barriers that exist between nations and their peoples. All travelers are standard bearers of their countries and should seek to provide a more diverse and enriching example of their nationalities. If you want to be a gun slinging, God fearing America, go to Texas not to Stockholm. Remember these people already assume you to be obnoxious.

3. Blog everyday

At least one member of the Long Crawl will keep the world informed of the group’s activities on a daily basis – hangovers not withstanding.

4. Keep a journal of your own thoughts. Journal entries are not to shared with other travelers.

The journal shall serve as tri-cornered opinion piece of the Long Crawl and thus must be kept separate in order to encourage the recordings of diverse interpretations of events and locations. If we wanted one point of view we’d listen to Bill O’Reilly

5. Immerse yourself in the local culture and avoid tourist traps

The purpose of the Long Crawl is to investigate, experience and report on the true local cultures of nations rather than engaging in stereotypical ‘westernized’ holidaying. If you want to hang out with another loud mouth westerner go to Hawaii and stand on imported Australian sand.

6. No Douche Baggery

Simple and clear. No-one likes a douche bag. We’re trying to break down cultural barriers, not reinforce them with steel.

7. Get Belligerently Drunk at every destination

This is a bar crawl not a bar stroll. If you can stand up straight you aren’t trying hard enough.

8. Respect and uphold the sanctity of Uniform Code of Long Crawl Justice

You break it you bought it.

9. Leave the readers with a better cultural understanding of the host nations

Remember our audience are made up of idiots. Pander to them.

10. No Whining! There’s No Crying in Baseball!

Mission Statement

Mission Statement


Due to numerous factors Americans have an immature understanding of global cultures. In response The Long Crawl, a 100 day circumnavigation of the globe, has been established to provide a small but colorful window into the social habits of people around the world. In an effort to tie together and view 21 diverse cultures The Long Crawl will focus on one of the few globally occurring social constants – bars. Bars provide a uniform context for cultural comparison whilst simultaneously immersing the three curious travelers in local customs. The Long Crawl will be a highly entertaining narrative that will provide greater cultural understanding and hopefully challenge people to experience the world for themselves.

The Itinerary

Here is the semi-final Itinerary for the trip. While we'd like this to be final, there may be some impetus to change destinations- i.e. a particular country's immigration policies make travel excessively difficult, or a war breaks out sometime during the planning stages. Once we're on the road, a situation would have to be so bad that the State Department bans travel to this area for the itinerary to change. Anyway, 21 stops, 6 continents. Most stays are two nights on the town in a particular city followed by one day for travel. Cities marked with one star warrant an extra night on the town and cities with two stars warrant two or more extra nights:

Trip begins in Washington, DC-
1. Dublin, Ireland
2. London, UK
3. Marseilles, France (*)
4. Rome, Italy
5. Stockholm, Sweden
6. Cape Town, South Africa
7. Antalya, Turkey (**)
8. Nairobi, Kenya
9. Dubai, UAE (*)
10. Kathmandu, Nepal
11. Bangkok, Thailand (**)
12. Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
13. Hong Kong
14. Manila, Phillipines
15. Sydney, Australia (*)
16. Auckland, New Zealand
17. Vancouver, Canada
18. Cartagena, Colombia (*)
19. Santiago, Chile
20. Buenos Aires, Argentina
21. Rio de Janeiro, Brazil (**)

The stops have been planned in this order to maintain a constant Easterly direction. The only flight westbound is from Rio back to DC.
Carry on,
CSM

New Changes and a New Traveller

The Long Crawl team is happy to add Aussie to our little band of travellers. Mikey is from Australia, which should give us some international credibility and maybe he can talk us out of difficult spot or two if we run into an anti-Bush rally. Awesome. We will, of course, be visiting Mikey's home country where he can hopefully guide us to some good bars that aren't too gay.

On another note, with new people come new ideas and we've changed the itinerary again to reflect the new makeup of the team. Zagrheb is out and Stockholm is in. Also, Addis Ababa has been scratched entirely, so the trip is down to 21 stops- a more manageable number. We're looking forward to updating you on the progress as we enter the frozen north in Scandanavia and hopefully put up a lot of pictures of blond haired blue eyed hotties. Good suggestion, Mikey.

Check back later for complete itinerary, as we should have that up later today.

Fo Shizzle (I've always wanted to say that),
CSM