Mustache Rides!

Alright, here's the new cool. I've seen two rat tails on people in the last two weeks. For Aussie and the rest of the FFX Eagles- this does not include Naysan. I've actually seen two kids this week with rat tails. Goddamn.

Anyway, in the interest of bringing back old fashion trends, you friend Yankee is going to bring back the mustache. It's like bringing sexy back, but to an exponential power. I am going to thicken up the mustache portion of my goatee this week, then next week the chin portion gets shaved and I rock a mustache like its never been rocked before.

If you would like to get involved in this little side project, please get started on your own mustache. At the end of September, if Aussie and I agree that your mustache is of above average coolness, I will meet you for drinks, buy you a few beers and shots, and be your wingman for whatever girl you might want to hit on. That cant be beat. Here's a preview:



That's Miles Davis cool.

--Yankee

Message Board Fixed!

Good day, Citizens.

I've finally, after a few days of wrangling and someone cutting the internet cable in the neighborhood, gotten the message board working. Sorry to hear that Aussie is having trouble with the fine people of London. . . What did you expect? Everyone over there is so non-confrontational- of course they would dredge up your wallet like magic and expect that you wouldn't make a fuss when it was returned. You should have turned over that table. . .

Anyhow, the message board is working and we're sponsoring three contests for our intrepid readers. If you've chosen to spend some of your time reading the Long Crawl, obviously you're someone of above average intelligence and taste. Congratulations.

Now, we're going to separate the real creative ones from the scraps. On the message board, linked on the right hand side of the page, you'll find a new category entitled "Interactive". Under this heading there are three new tabs for our three contests to get you involved. One is for your submissions regarding new Olympic sports. Aussie Wallet Theft has already been taken.

Secondly and thirdly, you can submit your original Haikus and Limericks. I've provided samples to get you started. At the end of September, we'll vote on winners to these two contests and announce winners. If everything goes according to plan, however, we'll feature these original, reader-submitted poems throughout the book that will be published at the conclusion of the Long Crawl, unless we pull a Magellan and don't make it home alive. Put your best work out there ladies- you will be recognized.

Finally, I'd like to recognize three early friends of the Long Crawl and bestow upon them their official Long Crawl handles. These are the three people that have done the most thus far to get us recognized. Bless them.

First of all- this friend of the Long Crawl will be known as Golem. His real initials are B.N. He is a loss prevention agent during the day, a hospitality specialist at night, and proud father of two adorable children. This person is one of the founders of a group that has become an official friend of the Long Crawl- the group known a Leisure Wednesday- a group dedicated to taking one mid-week holiday each year and making it the New Sabbath- a day of rest and respite from the toils of modern American life. Thanks Golem, you will be remembered.

Secondly, we would like to thank the Belle, initials C.H., as our second benefactor. Belle is the coolest girl anyone could hope to meet. She actually frightens men based on the fact that she'd the ideal girl you'd want to be around. She's smart, funny, knows sports, can carry a lucid conversation, etc-- and it's impossible to find that critical fault that forms an exit door for men. Guy's like to have that exit door- that fault that gives us a quick exit when we feel trapped or engaged past our comfort zone too early. The Belle doesn't have that crack in the foundation, and it seems that men might avoid getting brought into a situation that can't be easily exploited with a well lit exit sign. Good for The Belle. She'll be happy, or at least seem graciously so. We can only hope that her happiness will come as more than having a wealth of really good friends.

Our third Long Crawl benefactor will be called Butterball. Why Butterball? WHY NOT!?! Yeah, Butterball is bravest little Butterball we know. He's a young guy, trying to get the world figured out. He's brave enough to step onto the field of full contact sport with grown men. Aussie pointed this out after Butterball stepped onto the rugby pitch with grown men and held his own. He's not the most athletic or the smartest, but he has the most heart and deserves the rewards that come with that attribute. Awhile back, I decided that Butterball had sent us enough readers from his high school (yeah, he's still in high school), that we ought to make Fairfax High the Official High School of the Long Crawl. The three of us debated whether or not it was appropriate to make a project, in which drinking factors heavily, the thing to read for people under the drinking age. I agreed with Aussie on that point for awhile until I considered my own high school experience.

Your friend Yankee went to the greatest high school in the entire United States- Louisville Male High School. I recently unearthed my yearbooks from LMHS and, reading the comments my friends wrote in the margins, realized that I've never quite lived up to the person I was in high school. This is different from a lot of people I know, but I seem to miss the person that I was back then- always happy, never moody or disappointed with the world or the hand that I'd been dealt. There is a lot from those years that I didn't realize that I missed out on. Now, I'm a lot older and I've seen some of the worst that humanity has to offer. I've seen the knives in peoples backs and I've regretted the few that I've put in. I've noticed and have come to regret the cynicism that creeps in as you get old. That person- the young Yankee- over a decade ago- could have easily stood up to a lot more pressure and bad cards and ugliness than the modern Yankee. There's something to learn there.

Yeah, there's a drinking element to the Long Crawl- its part of what makes it interesting, engaging, and funny. The three crawlers are from completely different backgrounds, but at the end of the day, we all see the fundamental worth in each other and in other people in general and that's what we're trying to illustrate in this project. Butterball is a kid, not old enough to buy a pack of cigarettes or a lottery ticket. Not yet old enough to have his number pulled and have to carry a rifle against another nation in a draft like our parents did.

Ehh, anyway, the reason I got over the not-supporting-underage-drinking criterion was by remembering one alumnus (among others. Where are you, Chitwood?) of my old high school and how he's inspired me to not only write but to be observant and analytical of my surroundings, looking for the meaning of things.

Some forty years before I graduated from LMHS, the greatest Doctor of Journalism ever- maybe the only Doctor of Journalism ever- graduated from the same school. Hunter S. Thompson, the great father of Gonzo journalism walked the halls of the same school. I don't want to encourage illegal consumption of controlled substances, but I've always gotten a lot from Thomson and I've never been a drug user. Butterball stays on a patron of the Long Crawl.

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. --HST

Alright, this got sentimentally out of hand. God bless Golem, Belle, and Butterball. Keep reading and submit your sports and poems on the message board. Talk to you soon.

Nothing more useless than an English dentist,
Yankee.

Suggestions for the Olympics

Good day, Citizens. Sorry its been awhile since I've posted something for you. I've been busy. Anyway, I've been very conflicted about what to post today. The current situation between Georgia and Russia is pretty disturbing and I wanted to write something on that situation, but its developing very quickly and it really isn't funny at all, so I'm going to hold off for right now. I'll post that article a little later today or tomorrow morning. Now, for something completely different. . .

I've been watching the Olympics and I think that, while these games have been excellent, there's a lot of room for improvement to make the games more fair for a lot of the countries that don't win a bunch of medals. There's already some pretty obscure sports that seem to be stacked toward one particular country or other. I'm thinking here of table tennis. If you aren't Forrest Gump, you probably aren't taking home a medal unless you're Chinese.

In this article, I'd like to begin a discussion about what sports we could add to the Olympics to make it more even in the medal count for all countries. I'll start out with some examples. There is a new thread on the message board where you can leave your suggestions and together we can make it a better Olympic experience for everyone next time around.

1. Ireland.
Today, Ireland competed in the kayaking event and did not take a medal, at least in the race that I saw. In fact, Ireland to this point has won no medals at all. I propose that the IOC add an Irish Triathlon in order to give the Irish a crack at the gold. The triathlon starts in an Olympic Pub venue where the contestants each start by drinking a bottle of whiskey. While drinking, contestants have the opportunity to compose an original limerick for bonus points. Example as follows:

There once was a man named Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
She was minus a tit,
and she smelled like shit,
but think of the money he saved!

After the whiskey is finished, the athlete fills the empty bottle with gasoline and stuffs a rag into the top. An Olympic official will light the rag with the Olympic flame as the athlete exits the pub where they must run to a police barrier at the end of the road and hurl the flaming bottle as far as possible. Points awarded for distance and any subsequent destruction of English property.

From here the athlete must proceed to a Catholic church where he or she must complete a full confession of their sins and say the rosary. Bonus points awarded for any truly egregious and/or gnarly sins that the athlete confesses during the sacrament.

+ +=


2. Puerto Rico.
Puerto Rico is technically part of the USA. They don't have representatives in the federal government, but they also don't pay federal taxes. Nonetheless, I think it would be nice for them to have a sport, and it wouldn't even involve adding a whole new sport, just a new division to an existing sport.

I propose that a Olympic fencing should add a switchblade event. This event could even take place late at night, behind the Olympic pub where the Irish Triathlon would be held. The participants might not even want it recorded on video or to be awarded medals in public. It wouldn't be too much of a hassle to add this event at all. For all we know, it might be taking place already. . .


+=

3. Australia.
Australia has won a few medals this Olympics, but I think Aussie will agree that they should have won more. I mean, the US and the French beat them at the men's 4x100 freestyle relay, and Phelps didn't even do as well as he should have. I thought the Aussies were supposed to be the best swimmers ever. Whah happen?

Anyway, there is a sport that is not yet part of the Olympics where the Aussies will always take home the gold. I suggest that we add it immediately:

=


Now I've gotten you started. I'm sure we'll get complaints from the PETA people for the last one. Let us know what sports you think should be added to the Olympics to make them better for everyone. There's a thread on the message board, or just post them as comments. The winner will be announced following the closing ceremonies right here on the Long Crawl. I love you.

As you were,
Yankee

Thinking Outside the Box

Good evening, citizens. We've been really pleased at the turnout for the first web launch so far. The Facebook groups are gaining in number pretty quickly and we've quadrupled the number of hits to the website in just three days. Considering that only three or four people knew about it before, maybe that's not such a huge accomplishment. . .

Anyway, today's entry is about thinking outside the box to solve pressing problems. Hopefully, you'll come to expect this level of ingenuity on the Crawl. This story took place in the late afternoon yesterday when your friend Yankee was faced with the grave situation of only having three beers in the fridge and not wanting to walk the one mile to the store to get more. Let's face it- three beers is bringing a knife to gun fight for me. Three beers is that guy facing down the tank in Tiananmen Square. It's Rodney King vs. the LAPD, or the French against the Germans. If I'm going to have three beers, I might as well have a Diet Coke. I've worked for years on this tolerance and three beers just isn't going to cut it.

The nearest quickie mart is just over a mile away. We don't have a car. That's a long walk, two miles round trip. Plus, you have to carry the beer back with you. Liquid is heavy. Houston, we have a problem. I suppose I could take a night off from having a few beers, but that's not any fun, plus I have work to do on this project. Beer makes it much easier. I have my best thoughts with a few beers in me. More than three beers, that is.

Situations like this separate the men from the mice. Someone of lesser mental resources would have folded under the pressure. Truman didn't have a situation of this magnitude on his hands as he sat in the Oval Office with the order to drop a nuke laying on the desk in front of him. I wanted to achieve a respectable buzz at least and get some work done, but the world was against me. As I stared at the three beers on the bottom shelf in the fridge, still attached in their plastic rings with three empty rings next to them, I walked the route to the store in my mind. Then, like a bolt of lightning from Beer Heaven, the solution came. To call it an epiphany would be a gross understatement. Archimedes' "eureka" moment doesn't come up to the level of this idea. Raise your hand if you're ready for this one. Here it comes. . .



Yeah, blood donation. According to the police, if they can be trusted, as you consume alcoholic beverages, your blood alcohol level (BAC) increases. They've used this theory to lock up a bunch of my friends at one time or another. Luckily, thus far I've managed to escape their clutches. Let's assume their theory is true. It implies that as the the level of alcohol rises in relation to the amount of blood, the BAC goes up. Following this reason, if you reduce the amount of blood, you ought to be able to increase the BAC level faster, and most importantly, with less alcohol. Aha!

It just so happens that there is a blood donation center only a third of a mile from the house. It's on the same path that would lead to the convenience store, if one was inclined to walk that far. I placed my Yankee colors on my head, and walked out the door. I was at the door to the blood donation center in less than 15 minutes.

I've donated blood at this place before, albeit for less nefarious purposes than I now had in mind. They already had me in the system, which saved some paperwork. Today, however, it was intern day. There were four female interns in blue lab coats to differentiate them from the normal, white coated staff. They give you several options as far as blood donation. When asked which I'd like to undergo (the time involved in the various procedures varies from 20 minutes to two hours), I informed the receptionist that I'd go for whatever takes the most blood. Everything was going according to plan. She signed me up for a "double red", which means they hook you up to an "aphoresis machine" which pumps the blood out of your arm, skims off the parts that it wants to collect, then returns the remainders to your body. I was warned to avoid strenuous activity for several days. Two pints of fluid would be removed. The receptionist was almost apologetic. They really needed this type of donation right now. Thank you for coming in to help us out, Yankee. We really appreciate it.

Perfect. Along with my beers going further, I also get to feel like a minor hero. They drag you into a little room after you sign in and interrogate you regarding your travel and sexual habits. The gentleman handling my interrogation asked me if it would be alright if one of the interns came along. Three out of the four were above a seven on the hotness scale so I agreed. I got a decent brunette. I like brunettes.

The staff person ran down the list of questions, explaining to the intern what he was asking, etc. They reached the point where they got to prick my finger and draw a blood sample to make sure that I'm healthy enough to donate. She'd never done the finger prick before, at least medically. The dude got out the little device that pricks your finger and explained to her what he was doing. I withdrew my hand and calmly informed him that it was probably time that she got to try. He agreed reluctantly, as he talked her through the procedure. I looked her directly in the eyes as she jammed a needle into my finger and bled me into a small vial. Fortunately, she got it right the first time.

Getting to the point, they lead me from the room out to one of the collection chairs. Apparently, most people don't have the desire or ulterior motive to go through with this type of donation, so all the interns were gathered to watch them carry it out. I felt a little like I was being prepped for a lethal injection, with the weird machine next to the chair that they were hooking me up to. The guy handed me a current events magazine, six weeks old, and told me that my donation would take approximately 25 minutes.

I opened the magazine to a page with a graphic comparing Mariah Carey to Madonna. They claimed that Mariah Carey was the most successful female singer ever, whatever that means. I asked the guy if he agreed as he swabbed my arm down with iodine.

"Nah, man. Aretha Franklin's gotta be the queen,"

"That's a big girl." I responded

"Yeah, she's big for sure, but she's the queen."

He set me up perfectly. "Biggest queen since Freddy Mercury, right?" I asked.

He laughed so hard he dropped the needle and the iodine swab and had to start over. I'm not convinced that the interns understood what was going on, but it was funny. To take it a step further, as he was explaining how to insert the needle to the interns and stabbing it into my arm, I decided to scream. The interns jumped back, but luckily he kept his cool and taped the needle down, giggling softly. Apparently, I'm not the first person to pull that stunt. Who said blood donation couldn't be fun?

Anyway, I donated blood. Someone out there will get the benefit of the blood of a genius under pressure. Hopefully it carries over. Beyond that, the original mission was accomplished. I was a really cheap date. Three beers sent me right to the floor.

Proceed,
Yankee.


**Help the Long Crawl! Leave comments, send us emails, tell your friends. Bless you.**

First Web Launch, etc.

Good evening, Citizens. Yankee here again. Tonight, Aussie and I will be sending out some invitations to our friends to come and view our project here at the Long Crawl. We figure we've got enough content up now to give people something to read for more than one visit and the itinerary is more or less solid, so it's time to go public.

If you are one of those people whom we've directed here via the Facebook page, welcome! On the right hand side of the page, you'll find links to the itinerary and the rules and commandments and whatnot which should give you a good background as to what we're trying to accomplish with this project. The goal here is to have it be fun and funny while at the same time being informative. Please feel free to leave comments about the various articles. It makes the three of us feel like we aren't wasting our time.

Also, on the right hand side, you'll find a link to our message board. There, you'll find threads for all of the 21 stops with sections for background, ideas, and meetups. It's pretty self explanatory. Anyway, if you have traveled to one of our planned destinations, please leave some advice on the message boards. In many parts of the middle east, if you show someone the bottom of your foot, it's comparable to giving them the finger over here in the US. Knowing things like this would be very helpful prior to us leaving on this adventure. It would be a shame if I had to use the Idealist as a bullet shield half way through the trip over an avoidable misunderstanding. Help us out, write down what you know. This trip is largely meant to be interactive, and the more that it is, the more fun for everyone.

Speaking of interactive, there is a space for meetups on the message board. If you want to meet us on a specific stop, let us know. We'll take pictures of you making an ass of yourself and put them on the internet. It'll be a blast. Also, if we know you'll be available in a certain city, we'll know who to call to help us bail Aussie out of jail after he shoots his mouth off. Good times had by all. Similarly, if you have suggestions for places to go in these cities, let us know. If your suggestion doesn't suck, we just might take advantage of it, and credit will be given. We've submitted to a couple of publishing companies to try and get this off the ground and we're shooting for a March 2009 departure. We'll be posting updates daily (or every other day) relating to the various stops and how the project is going until then. The more input we get from you, the reader, the better this trip will come off. Hook us up. Thanks.

Now, the normal updates. Aussie and I just got back from the last rugby games in New Jersey. Aussie played valiantly and led the team to a tremendous, come-from-behind victory over Philadelphia. I missed tackles and generally looked out of shape. At least I'm honest. Due to the odd shape of rugby uniforms (full shirts, tiny shorts), I have a very strange tan going on. I'm not sure you can call it a farmer tan, it's too odd. Considering the wifebeater tan tragically incurred a few weeks ago, and the fact that I taped one of my wrists, which is the one part of my arm not burned, I could possible qualify for the weirdest tan ever. If jacked up tan lines are cool, consider me Miles Davis.

As I write this, the mighty Yankees are blowing it to the Red Sox. We've embarrassed them the last two games, now we choke on it in the final game of the series. Being a true fan sucks sometimes. We could have tied them for the AL wild card tonight, but no, that would make too much sense. Sox fans out there, enjoy it. You'll go down at the end, like you always do.

Not to close out the post on a somber note, but there was a terrorist attack in Turkey today, which is one of our stops. Noone's taken credit yet, but it was probably Kurdish separatists. So far, 16 people have died in Istanbul in a double bombing. They set off one bomb in a pedestrian area, waited ten minutes for a crowd to form, then set off a second bomb which claimed most of the casualties. While we bitch about politics on this blog from time to time, the purpose of this trip is to attempt to bridge some of the ideological divides that lead to behavior like this. We think people the world over are pretty similar on the most basic levels and we'd like to illustrate that. If we can grab a few beers and your attention during the whole thing, that would be super. The world goes on much further than your front porch. We hope you'll laugh at what you read here at the Long Crawl, but more importantly, that you'll feel a little closer to your fellow people out there, thousands of miles away, going through the same things you are, from a different point of view.

That is all,
Yankee

All-Stars and My Favorite Stops

Good afternoon, Citizens. The Yank again. After reading Aussie's Stereotype Menu, I think this trip could be fun after all. Noticed that he hit the Kiwi's harder than the the others? Coincidence? I think not. . . We might have uncovered some really stinky actual cultural bias.

Today, I'm celebrating yet another American League victory in the All-Star Game. This time it only took 15 innings and more pitchers than I can remember. At least the Sandman held it down, unlike one Mr. Papelbon. . . Anyway, as Aussie can confirm from living with me and watching me watch baseball as he tries to understand what's going on, I'm not a big fan of J.D "Nancy" Drew. The guy just annoys me on a very basic level. Something about the hero complex that most of the Red Sox walk around with makes me want cram my head in the oven. Other than Youkilis, he's the worst. At least Manny and Ortiz have a little bit of style. With that being said, I would like to congratulate him on his performance and especially his clutch hitting last night. He gets a one week pass on derision from me. After that, he's back in the chair.

If you've read the itinerary for the Crawl yet, there are probably two stops that stick out as not really major cities like the others. They are also extra-day stops. I'm talking about Antalya, Turkey and Cartagena, Colombia. These two were my choice. I've done some business in Turkey over the years and its one of my favorite places to visit. Antalya got picked as the destination because it's a relatively large city in between three Turkish destinations that I want to visit.

We'll set out from Antalya by bus and head to Kas (pronounced kahsh), on the tip of the Lycian peninsula. Kas is a tiny little seaside town, built against the cliffs and has a few good bars in the town center. Its relatively quiet, but you have a few good bars in the main town square, overlooking the Mediterranean. I figure that we might need a day of relative quiet on the beach after coming in from our first African destination. There's also good diving there if we're so inclined, and not obscenely hungover.

From Kas, we'll travel back towards Antalya, stopping at Olimpos. There is no town here, only a ruined ancient city. There are little camps built on the road down to the harbor, and you stay there in a treehouse. You read that right- they rent out treehouses that you get to stay in. Meals are included in the prices- which was a whopping $7 a night last time I was there. The most famous of these camps, called Kadir's, has an outdoor bar called the Bull Bar which is very highly rated internationally. There's a huge fire pit with a giant statue of a bull at the center and a bunch of Turkish style lounges set around the dance floor. Every time I've been there, the bar has been packed and always a good party.

What makes Olimpos popular as a destination, other than the treehouses, is that its set at the base of Olimpos Mtn. I'm a bit of a history buff (a bit being an egregious understatement), and this mountain is the birthplace of a good part of ancient mythology. There is a trail there that you can hike up for about two or three miles and you come to cracks in the ground that spew fire. Supposedly, the scientific explanation is that there is methane, or a derivative gas that rises from inside the earth and ignites on contact with the air, but apparently there has never been really complete scientific study of the area. They say that in ancient times, the flames rose a lot higher than they do now (about up to knee level, currently), and to the ancient Greeks, it would have looked like the mountain was spontaneously bursting into flames from from the ground below. Hence, lots of myths were born to explain these frightening flames. The most famous is Bellerophon and the Pegasus.

After Olimpos, we'll go back to Antalya and head further west to a little place called Side. It is pronounced SEE-deh. It's a little peninsula, maybe 25 acres, that juts into the Mediterranean. It was an ancient Roman provincial capital and there are a lot of ruins throughout the city. There is actually a bar build in the ruins of a basilica called Temple Bar. At the top of the city, just inside the wall there is an ancient theater that they've been trying to restore. I actually did some work on it years ago and I want to check the progress. Its a cool resort town with a lot of good bars. The guesthouse that I normally stay in is also owned by Australians, so Aussie can get a taste of home and not sink too deeply into foreigner-shock.

That's it for the Antalya stop. Not much in Antalya at all. . . Actually we'll probably drink one night in the old city by the harbor. Its a pretty cool experience tying one on at the base of the huge crusader walls built around the harbor.

Cartagena is the other stop. As I said, I like history and, other than the ancient stuff, I'm into pirates as well. Really, who isn't? They sail around, take stuff, and drink rum. The Ciudad Cartagena was one of the main Spanish port cities of the 16th and 17th centuries, when pirates were everywhere, and the world was a much cooler place. One of the most awesome pirates was obviously Sir Francis Drake. Drake rolled up to Cartagena, knocked on the door, then took the place over and demanded the modern equivalent of $200 million dollars as ransom. What's more amazing is that they actually paid every penny of the ransom quickly and then he burned a chunk of the city down anyway, including the governor's palace and a brand new cathedral and went on his merry way. The Spanish spent literally 200 years after that building walls in Cartagena to prevent the same shenanigans from recurring. I would like to see those walls. Sue me.

So that's my little chunk for the day. The idealist is a douche.

Proceed,
Yankee

The Ideal Background - A Rose Colored View

Good day, everyone! The Idealist is making his board debut today! Yay! I would like to thank Yankee and Aussie for having me along and I promise to behave myself and not become too polarizing. My fingers were crossed behind my back when I said that. I see that the other two have sounded off on our founding moments. I don’t come off like a jackass at all. Score one for me.

A quick note on these rugby guys that I'm on the journey with- Aussie and Yankee go to pratice, they go "shower", and then they come to the bar. I don’t know what goes on at these practices, but maybe they should wait awhile to shower afterwards because the effect is generally that they wash off the sweat from practice, then continue sweating after the shower, so they're just putting off the inevitable sweat stained shirt and vague stinkiness for an extra hour or so before it comes back right while we're at the bar. Its mildly offensive. This is particularly true of Uncle Yankee who tends to sweat when he thinks about heat. Of course you will never drag Aussie anywhere without him having to groom himself in front of a mirror for the better part of an hour – hence the Fabio fine in the Code of Conduct.

At least they tend to pile on the deodorant and more perfume than a drag queen on bingo night. Whatever. I don't understand the need for people to go out and beat on each other then go and laugh about it. It all sounds a little homo-erotic. Kind of like that male porno Top Gun. My athletic pursuits generally consist of marathons at the chinese buffet to make sure I dont get ripped off on the All-you-can eat price. On two occasions, I've also run from the police. That ought to count.

On the subject of athleticism, let me just go ahead and throw this out there- Yankee is a shitty athlete. He smokes and drinks. Aussie dragged him into this rugby thing because they're roommates. Aussie has apparently been playing this game for awhile and is in shape, you can tell that by the fact he generally refuses to wear sleeves anywhere he goes. Yankee is drawn to violence. Typical republican. Never saw a conflict he didn't like. Doesn't get more violent than rugby league apparently. Come to think of it, Yankee has been a tad less aggressive of late. Maybe its not such a bad thing, but you understand that it gets to be a worn situation when you get to listen to the full recounting of all the "sick hits" and a complete account of team injuries every time you show up for a quick beer and a shot. If you go out with them more than once in a week, you'll get to hear it, in its entirety, twice. Yay!

Alright, we were having the old "if we didn't screw with the rest of the world, they wouldn't screw with us" argument that we've had a million times. It’s become a well trod path. Seriously, the US was mistrusted before and now those feelings are a little stronger, considering our little stunt in Iraq and the excellent communication skills of our Cowboy-in-Chief. Yankee and I have a side bet on this next election. You know who I'm for- the one that'll clean some of this up rather than keep it rolling. I'm really looking forward to a big steak and two martinis on Yankee's tab come November. Given the success of Obama Girl…I just can’t see how Barack can lose. That chick could convince me to insert needles into my own penis. I might even be willing to bet another couple of drinks that his ‘mature’ candidate doesn't make it to election at all. See, Yankee is catholic. The pope is about the same age as god anyway, so Yankee doesn't see any problem with putting a retiree at the helm. The difference here is that the pope doesn’t have an army or his finger on the trigger to the world's largest nuclear arsenal with a fast growing list of enemies.

Yankee also thinks it’s terribly selfish for me to want free education and health for everyone. How dare I propose something so inherently evil? I love the fact that the currently unemployed writer Yankee bitches about his non-existent tax contributions being squandered by the inefficient government. I’m the one with the job buddy! I’ll decide!

During this particular instance of the same argument we've been having at work for years, Yankee hit a breaking point and decided that we needed to end the argument. He draws a map on a napkin and proceeds to explain that he's been more places than me, so he knows better (always throwing a trump card, right Yankee?), and we ought to go find out.

I've read the other two accounts of this conversation and the incident that followed, which are more or less close to accurate. Aussie did leave out a few key remarks – he was hammered, midweek no less, which is very unusual for a man that is usually a weekend binger but is borderline Mormon during the week.. . . Let me clarify a few things. Yankee originally wanted to go to the most dangerous places on the whole earth and drink. I don’t like rough living and I'd rather not end up losing my head on the internet for everyone to see. I can't see taking a long trip to drink shitty liquor in all the shitholes of the world. I'm not interested in Bratislava, or Tripoli, and certainly not Nigeria. I prevailed on him to turn down the roughness factor on this one and make it fun. Aussie needs showers and mirrors, so he was in. Luckily he complied without a lot of bullshit.

Aussie was a cursory participant in the conversation, checking out this mean looking chick sending text messages. Yankee prevailed on us to keep the stops in Colombia, Kenya, and Nepal. I got the couple of extra days in Thailand (there's a few places I've heard of that I might not mind visiting), and Aussie got to be the token non-American. I bought Jager shot for us as a little kickoff celebration. This could actually be fun. Yankee puked his up. Very gracious of him. While he was wandering down to unload the shot that I paid for, Aussie wandered over to that girl and began chatting. I started listing the financial considerations of a trip of this magnitude on another napkin. We're going to need some serious loot to pull this one off. Yankee came back looking like he'd just gotten maced. I offered to get him another Jager. He declined. Pussy. We worked on the budget without Aussie, and then, all of a sudden, it happened. The meltdown had just kicked off when I noticed and put Yankee on to the scene that was rapidly unfolding at the cocktail table.

Apparently, Aussie was getting shot down somehow. He doesn't take that very well. Having said that she was a bit of a fox and no-one else had the balls to approach her, so all power to him. The whole scene didn’t take very long, but Yankee hit the nail on the head with the Disaster. You can’t take your eyes off of a train wreck. Yankee was starting to laugh. I was speechless. The girl was still sitting on one of those tall barstools. Aussie was standing up, pointing his finger at her. Apparently, she said something he didn't like. That’s when he laid into her. I remember a few key phrases.

He said to her that going to Law School was shit and ultimately a pretty big waste of time given that in the end her life would end up pretty unfulfilling. The girl didn’t like it, at all. Having said that I think she misunderstood what he was trying to say exactly – Aussie has been to law school himself, worked as a lawyer and didn’t really like it. He has often made references to not wanting to end up like Michael Clayton – George Clooney’s silver haired sexiness aside. At least he can give some sort of objective analysis of the situation and what her/their lives might end up like. At least she has a job though Aussie and isn’t gallivanting around the world pissing money up against the wall.

While the two of them were going at it the girl's friend actually got up and left in the middle of the situation. More babbling, and then the shotgun blast. She said something which Aussie later explained was her saying that at least her boyfriend wasn't a complete asshole, or something like that. Aussie turned around, shaking his head, and then turned back to her and laid a line on her that ended in the word cunt. In all fairness to the guy she did seem like a bitch and laid out quite a few insults to him before he responded with the nuclear strike.

While common in Australia, I'm sure, that particular phrase is clearly not on the approved list over here in the states. I couldn't believe it. Yankee was chuckling. Aussie had gotten two steps away when she decided he needed a beer bath. It was awesome. What made it more than awesome was when I found out later from Yankee than Aussie had actually bought her the beer he ended up wearing! Getting Aussie to buy any girl a drink is a huge feat. It’s deliciously ironic that he ended up soaked in one that he did buy. Excellent. Anyway, needless to say, he didn't get her number and the Long Crawl is rolling ahead. Check back soon for more! -The Idealist.